Missing Matthew Paul

When I was only a sophomore in college, I made friends with a newly married woman who experienced an early miscarriage of twins. She told me that she had learned to say “yes” to the Lord when she accepted these children, and now she had to learn to say “yes” to the Lord again at their passing, just as the Blessed Mother gave her Fiat to God when Gabriel announced she was to conceive Jesus, and again as she stood by the cross at His death. 

Blessed Mother, teach me to desire that it “be it done unto me according to thy Word.”

We are a family of four. After what seemed like ages of praying and waiting, the Lord blessed us with a second child. And while Tim and I were blessed to see his little heartbeat and the tiny outline of his forming body, no one else will see him on earth. What a strange feeling.

I know that miscarriage is common, and I can hardly think of an older mother who hasn’t lost a child before birth, but it still feels so surreal. I’m so grateful that we went in for an early ultrasound and saw our child on the screen, and that we had shared the news of our pregnancy with our family, because otherwise I might convince myself it was all a dream. How strange, to be pregnant and planning with joyful anticipation for the arrival of and life with your child, and only days later to know you won’t meet until heaven… to have an empty womb again.

{Amelia shared our news with the grandparents.}

There are still days when something strikes a chord and I am deeply saddened, but I am trying to just be grateful for his soul, for his early communion with God, for his intercession for our family in the coming decades. It seems like when I’m feeling at peace and moving on with life, something inside of me shouts, “NO! Go back! You can’t be okay with this, because it can’t be real!” But I know that sadness and tears won’t bring him back into womb, and more importantly, I know there’s no real sorrow in his passing. On the short-sighted, human side, I mourn because my plans are changed, my immediate desire of bearing another child is not fulfilled, because I won’t be able to nurse and nourish and cover this child with affection. But, with the eyes of faith, I should only rejoice! Tim and I dedicated this child to the Lord over and over in prayer, even before we knew we wouldn’t be able to baptize him and raise him to love the Lord, and we trust that the Lord in His mercy has welcomed him home. And what more could I want for my child than the beatific vision?

Though I miscarried at 9.5 weeks, too early to know the baby’s gender, Tim thought that our child was a boy, and had been praying for him by the name of Matthew, after the Evangelist. My saintly grandfather, named Paul, passed away this summer, and I had hoped to give his name to our first boy, so we officially named him Matthew Paul.

Everyone’s body handles a miscarriage differently, but mine happened so suddenly and completely that only three days after I knew that he was gone, we were able to have a burial for his body, on October 4th. What a gift that was. I told Tim I felt like we had aged 10 years that week, to have buried our child. He rests just outside the wall of our Cathedral, near a statue of Mary. Finding a place for his burial was difficult, logistically and therefore emotionally, but the Lord provided beautifully through the care of our priest. Matthew Paul’s due date was May 1^st, traditionally a day to celebrate Mary, often accompanied by decorating statues of Mary with flowers, so his resting place seems fitting and beautiful, and as comforting as burying your child can be.

Rest in peace of Christ, sweet child.

Receiving and losing Matthew Paul has been an experience filled with such gratitude, such heartache, such suffering, such love. But that’s what we signed up for, entering marriage and parenthood. Jesus showed us that love, while on earth, is cruciform. I’ve been faced with my smallness, with my need for God, with His sovereignty. And I’ve thanked the Lord a hundred times over for Tim’s unwavering faith and unfaltering love and care for me. I am truly blessed.

Praise God from Whom all blessing flow.

Blessed be His name, now and forever!

Matthew Paul Thomas, pray for us!